Let’s face it – the name alone implies that this game should be cool. I mean, what’s better than pirates and dragons? After playing the game for a little while, it turns out that there is apparently a lot that’s better than this combination of swashbuckling anti-heroes and mythical fire breathing creatures.

In the game you control a pirate ship, and I had hope that at some point you got to fight dragons. In the first mission, however, all you do is shoot water balloons (yes, you heard me right) at 4 buoys. Doesn’t seem like a difficult task, except that the controls are quite unfriendly, which for me meant a lot more time circling aimlessly and crashing into things than anything else. Granted, crashing into a buoy counts as a hit, but it also does damage to your ship. You use left and right motions to steer the ship, which is constantly moving forward. There appears to be no way to alter the speed of the ship, however. You tap on the screen to fire, which at least for me means letting go of the device with one hand, effectively killing my steering momentarily.

Drivin' The Boat

After many attempts I finally beat the first level (there were several times I had all 4 buoys, but died getting the last one), and I was instructed to find the dragon in the citadel for level 2 – as an added bonus I had no water balloons. Part way through what seemed like a haphazardly thrown together level I came across a big room where I was instructed to go fishing with a rod that was twice as big as my ship, and before I knew it I had a golden key that was almost bigger than I was. Opening the door for that key led to another key, which led to another, which lead to the room with the dragon. To capture the dragon I had to catch a fish – which I miraculously caught on my first try – and use that to lead the dragon out of the citadel. Once that task was complete, the game was over… what? That’s right, for a mere $2.99 you get a whole two levels of gameplay that assuming you can play straight through takes about 3-4 minutes.

The graphics remind me of a beginner’s attempt at 3D modeling. The ship and tower in level one actually look pretty decent and the buoys are pretty standard fare. The walls in the first two levels and the key I found in level two look like basic rendered objects with no textures applied. Some of the passages in level two even connect at odd angles. Overall it feels like a haphazard design. There are no sound effects to speak of, which is a shame. The launching and splattering of water balloons could have made for some interesting sounds. The music is enjoyable, but seems to be a tinny. I’m not sure if that’s intentional or a problem with how the music was recorded, but either way it detracts from what is otherwise a fairly well orchestrated piece of music.

According to the App Store description, Pirates And Dragons is “packed with state of the art graphics great puzzles and fast paced real time action”. I’m guessing all this must be in the levels we don’t get. It claims this is a “must download for Gamers”, but I’d wager that you’re $2.99 could be spent on much better games. A lot of times I can say “I don’t care for this game but’, however in this case I wouldn’t be able to think of anything to finish that phrase. Unless you want to see a pirate ship toting around a fish with a huge fishing rod, this game isn’t for you.

Final Verdict: Not Recommended
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[Note: image courtesy of App Shopper]